A Cold Halelujah

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah" -Leonard Cohen

I find daily the hardest thing is accepting to live in a world where inspiration is met with depression, where enlightenment is met with ignorance and a heightened zeal for doing good is met with cynical pessimism built from self righteous smugness around a philosophy that no one can change this "three ring circus side show of freaks,"(Tool lyric from Aenima) so why even try?

Despite some nonsense that such a question is rhetorical when I believe it is not, to meet good with blame upon those who do good by pointing out the things they have missed along the way or that you believe their time could be better spent doing something else when in fact you yourself have done nothing, is most irritating. Somehow this world has born, out of some terrible illogic, that to denigrate a man whose actions makes you feel like a lesser person, somehow justifies your useless existence in this system; somehow makes you sleep better at night; somehow makes you think that you aren't as bad as the person you see in the mirror every morning; somehow you aren't part of the problem; somehow you hold all the answers and yet solve nothing.

As I grow older I see more frequently the shortcomings of men. When we are younger we are given images of heroes in our lives, take David for instance. We are told about his battle with Goliath, but it is not until later in our lives that we learn of his failures as a person; how could he have committed such terrible acts that I could never live with, having done? This appears to be a common theme with virtually every person I have ever learned about and I'm not sure what to take from it. Some might say that it shows we are all human, but if being human is giving in to the things which we know to be wrong, I am not content just yet to simply lay down in such a pit of failure.

Coming up is the day of remembering Dr. King. A man who up until recently was a great hero in my mind. No one can take the importance of what he did away, nor has the impact of his words found detriment in my heart, but he himself has lost reverence in my eyes. Now I am not certain there is absolute proof that Dr. King was an adulterer/womanizer, but when the government documents become unlocked in 2027, I expect to be met with something which will confirm just that, because I have become use to being disappointed with people.

I must say something though. I am not judgmental. I do not enjoy seeing faults of any kind in any man. But I am tired of failure. I am tired of seeing all of my heroes destroyed by some weakness they could not overcome in life.

I do not know how to put all of this together, but I wrote a poem over a year ago that I think addresses this aspect in relation to my life. I only hope that somehow it can convey what I cant describe at this moment. It addresses perfectionism, failure and the feeling that every time someone in this world fails, a burden is placed upon you to succeed where they have failed.

I wish I could be that son you never had
I wish I could replace that friend who left, when things were getting bad
I wish I could become everything you never had
I wish I could become…
But I can't keep thinking that all this weight belongs...
on me, it sits like a well, toss in a coin make a...
wish you could feel what it's like to have to be...
perfect, in every way like a light from heaven shining down...
on me this weight found peace, but I can't have peace… I can't...
sleep, my escape from everything that doesn’t allow me to be free when I'm...
awake and dreaming one day I might become what I was meant to be.
I don't want to look back and see that what this hate is, was me
But I look in the mirror
and it's not me
there's no self image
who could I be?
A world of visions
It’s like I’m lost at sea
no bearings for hope
right in front of me
I'm deprived
Cerebration unsatisfied
I have looked for a savior
In a race filled with failure
And all I see are these
Vacant spots, where leaders once stood
That now has become an occupation of false truth
Failures of those who came before
I’ve inherited their burden, to open the door
I’m left alone; they don’t have faith in me
How can I, make them believe?
B r o k e n h o p e
For a b r o k en d re am
Nothing left, no self esteem
Misplaced thoughts
Begin to drop
A once peaceful state
That begins to erase
An age of serenity
Now fades away
A mess of confusion
Now fills my days
I sit and wait and contemplate
I think I believe that I might not be
Everything I thought I could possibly be
But you got to try, you fucking try
To become that which you wished you would be
Maybe a thought, maybe a dream
You can’t just give up; it’s all we’ve got.

Conspiracy, how much truth is there?

By now many people have heard of Lindsey Williams. There's youtube footage of him divided into about 8 parts, depending upon what version you watch and it's roughly 80 mins long, though I could have done it in 10(after all he is a Baptist minister).

I wanted to write this for a couple of reasons:
1. To clarify some things I have told people that were somewhat wrong.
2. To get people to realize that there are people powerful enough to control this world, the only question is do they?

I had told people that there were two countries that opposed joining OPEC, when in fact what I should have said was that there were two members of OPEC that opposed Kissinger's plan in the 1970's. How much of it is true I don't know but you can watch the video that Lindsey Williams discusses this aspect of here. The basic idea is that there were two countries that wouldn't denominate the sale of oil in dollars and help to pay off America's debt. Those two countries were allegedly Iraq and Iran. He also speaks of Iran wanting to flood the market with cheap oil, though this doesn't make sense according to the news that suggests it is Iran that wants to drive the price up and our friendly Saudis who want to keep it down and it is the Saudis who have claimed to flood the market in order to oppose the Iranians.

Here is what I have a problem with in regards to people:

Most people believe the government is corrupt.
Most people believe that the two parties control our country (by this I mean that if you are not by default an R or a D, you will not win anywhere without a large amount of money backing)
Most believe in the statement that absolute power corrupts absolutely
Most people believe that our justice system is based upon the idea that money buys defense and no money means you are screwed.

I could go on and on with the list which leads to one inevitable conclusion: that an elite group of people could easily run this nation; and that even if you argue that they obey the will of the masses, they can easily manipulate that will. I find it hard to believe that people can believe in everything that would allow and support the existence of something and then not believe in it because the word conspiracy is attached to it. But it seems that people are easily misled by perception and not as strongly influenced by facts.

I think I want to address fear mongering, because it has become a powerful tool, even in areas where it is not supposed to be.

Traffic Law Proposal No. 1

I've long had a cherished short list of proposed alterations to traffic laws, which I'll share with you in this very space. Time is short tonight, so I'll start off with one nice, simple change: Between the hours of midnight and 5:00 AM, in all but the most heavily trafficked urban areas, all red lights are to be regarded as flashing red lights (that is, stop signs.) If you pull up to an intersection and your light is red, you may proceed after confirming there is no right-of-way (green light) traffic you'd be impeding.

I suppose the way the country is going now, we'll be seeing mandatory curfews that will render it all moot before long anyway. But as things stand, I've sat twiddling my thumbs for upwards of five minutes* at many red lights at 1:30 AM, the only car on the road for a mile in any direction, waiting for the light to change so I can make my left turn.

* Maybe it's just wacky ol' Altoona, but there are several intersections in this city where, if you're in the left turn lane, you need a left turn arrow to proceed, but your light is red while the light to go straight through the same intersection is green... and you CANNOT GET A LEFT TURN ARROW UNTIL A CAR HAS COME FROM THE OTHER (perpendicular) DIRECTION to trip the motion sensor and make the light cycle through (green -> red -> left arrow -> green).

I've noticed in my travels there are some cities that already do this--their intersections all automatically change to flashing red lights in every direction (effectively a four way stop sign) at around midnight and change back at around 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning. I don't even think it's necessary to actually make the lights change; just change the law so you can legally proceed through a red light as though it were a stop sign during low-to-no traffic hours.

Is anyone out there against this?

(On the docket for discussion in the near future: Speed limits on highways, speed limits in towns/cities, tailgating/aggressive driving laws, DUI laws, methods enforcement of traffic laws and punishments for traffic violations, and seat belt laws. At least.)