I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah" -Leonard Cohen
I find daily the hardest thing is accepting to live in a world where inspiration is met with depression, where enlightenment is met with ignorance and a heightened zeal for doing good is met with cynical pessimism built from self righteous smugness around a philosophy that no one can change this "three ring circus side show of freaks,"(Tool lyric from Aenima) so why even try?
Despite some nonsense that such a question is rhetorical when I believe it is not, to meet good with blame upon those who do good by pointing out the things they have missed along the way or that you believe their time could be better spent doing something else when in fact you yourself have done nothing, is most irritating. Somehow this world has born, out of some terrible illogic, that to denigrate a man whose actions makes you feel like a lesser person, somehow justifies your useless existence in this system; somehow makes you sleep better at night; somehow makes you think that you aren't as bad as the person you see in the mirror every morning; somehow you aren't part of the problem; somehow you hold all the answers and yet solve nothing.
As I grow older I see more frequently the shortcomings of men. When we are younger we are given images of heroes in our lives, take David for instance. We are told about his battle with Goliath, but it is not until later in our lives that we learn of his failures as a person; how could he have committed such terrible acts that I could never live with, having done? This appears to be a common theme with virtually every person I have ever learned about and I'm not sure what to take from it. Some might say that it shows we are all human, but if being human is giving in to the things which we know to be wrong, I am not content just yet to simply lay down in such a pit of failure.
Coming up is the day of remembering Dr. King. A man who up until recently was a great hero in my mind. No one can take the importance of what he did away, nor has the impact of his words found detriment in my heart, but he himself has lost reverence in my eyes. Now I am not certain there is absolute proof that Dr. King was an adulterer/womanizer, but when the government documents become unlocked in 2027, I expect to be met with something which will confirm just that, because I have become use to being disappointed with people.
I must say something though. I am not judgmental. I do not enjoy seeing faults of any kind in any man. But I am tired of failure. I am tired of seeing all of my heroes destroyed by some weakness they could not overcome in life.
I do not know how to put all of this together, but I wrote a poem over a year ago that I think addresses this aspect in relation to my life. I only hope that somehow it can convey what I cant describe at this moment. It addresses perfectionism, failure and the feeling that every time someone in this world fails, a burden is placed upon you to succeed where they have failed.
I wish I could be that son you never had
I wish I could replace that friend who left, when things were getting bad
I wish I could become everything you never had
I wish I could become…
But I can't keep thinking that all this weight belongs...
on me, it sits like a well, toss in a coin make a...
wish you could feel what it's like to have to be...
perfect, in every way like a light from heaven shining down...
on me this weight found peace, but I can't have peace… I can't...
sleep, my escape from everything that doesn’t allow me to be free when I'm...
awake and dreaming one day I might become what I was meant to be.
I don't want to look back and see that what this hate is, was me
But I look in the mirror
and it's not me
there's no self image
who could I be?
A world of visions
It’s like I’m lost at sea
no bearings for hope
right in front of me
I'm deprived
Cerebration unsatisfied
I have looked for a savior
In a race filled with failure
And all I see are these
Vacant spots, where leaders once stood
That now has become an occupation of false truth
Failures of those who came before
I’ve inherited their burden, to open the door
I’m left alone; they don’t have faith in me
How can I, make them believe?
B r o k e n h o p e
For a b r o k en d re am
Nothing left, no self esteem
Misplaced thoughts
Begin to drop
A once peaceful state
That begins to erase
An age of serenity
Now fades away
A mess of confusion
Now fills my days
I sit and wait and contemplate
I think I believe that I might not be
Everything I thought I could possibly be
But you got to try, you fucking try
To become that which you wished you would be
Maybe a thought, maybe a dream
You can’t just give up; it’s all we’ve got.
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